Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo J
Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well; a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Must be deadline oriented:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtimes required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties will vary:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.
Career-minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.
No phone calls please:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
Good communication skills:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I've used Microsoft Office.
I am honest, hardworking and dependable:
I pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I am personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.
I am extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I am adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:
I'm never at my desk.
We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.
It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
A Program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.
Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion?
Channels - Be trail left by the interoffice memo.
Coordinator - me guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.
To Activate - To make carbons and add more names to the memo.
To Implement a Program - Hire more people and expand the office.
Under Consideration - Never heard of it.
Under Active Consideration - We're looking in the files for it.
A Meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.
A Conference - A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.
To Negotiate - To seek a meeting of minds without knocking together of heads.
Re-orientation - Getting used to working again.
Reliable Source - The guy you just met.
Informed Source - The guy who told the guy you just met.
A Clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.
We Are Making A Survey - We need more time to think of an answer.
Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.
See Me, or Let's Discuss - Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.
Let's Get Together on This - I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.
Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.
To Give Someone the Picture - A long, confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
Will Advise You in Due Course - If we figure it out, we'll let you know.
